The Royal Baby

So, apparently the world's media is parked outside the Lindo Wing (or Lindor wing as I thought it was) where Kate is due to give birth and the whole country is eager with anticipation at the impending arrival of a new royal. Whilst not exactly gripped with fever-pitched excitement myself, I suppose the birth of any baby should be a cause for celebration and joy, unless the offspring in question is the result of some un-holy coupling such as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. All this hype however, did get me thinking back to the birth of my own child and wondering how Kate's experience would differ from mine. Here's what I came up with. If anyone from the Royal Household is reading then I am happy to accept correction of any of the following points.

• Kate didn't see at least fifteen different midwives/doctors/health visitors during her pregnancy/delivery/post natal care. By the way, can anyone tell me if you have to be called 'Pam' to be a health visitor? It's just that all the ones I know have been.

• I bet her delivery midwife was not called 'Sarah Goodenough'. Not a name to inspire confidence. Sorry Sarah love but you weren't (good enough). You looked about 14 and nearly let me die. Be grateful I didn't sue you. I still could. (I'm not bitter. I'm totally over this, honest)

• I don't suppose William will take a snap of his wife post-partum with her legs in stirrups (yes girls, stirrups) and post it on facebook. (OK the fb bit probably isn't strictly accurate but it did get taken out of the 'Our Baby' album pretty darn quickly)

• The midwife will not be heard to exclaim 'How bloody big did you think this baby was going to be?' as she dresses him in age 0-3 month clothes with at lest 4 inches dangling off his arms and legs. Ok, I didn't know you were meant to get 'newborn' did I? He grew into them didn't he?

• Neither do I suppose that William will go to Boots in search of 'disposable knickers' and get removed by security. This happened to the husband of a friend of mine. We can only think that the assistant thought he meant 'edible knickers' and took offence.

• The lovely Kate will not slob around for at least 4 months in a dressing gown, watching Homes under the Hammer, crying, smelling of baby sick and shouting at her husband.

...but apart from that, we're just the same really.