If Pets Could Talk

I don't know if this is normal behaviour but I spend quite a lot of time when I'm at home talking to our cat Ronnie. I occasionally talk to my son and husband too but I prefer Ronnie as he doesn't answer back or ask me for money.
What if he could though? I wonder what he would say if he was given the power of speech for a day?
The first thing I think he would do would be to complain about his name.
"Why did you call me Ronnie? It is such a stupid name. All the other cats laugh at me and make fun of it. That's why I never come when you call me; I'm just trying to pretend it isn't my name. Why couldn't I be called something a bit more butch like 'Brad' or 'Tyson'? It's so embarrassing at the vets when they call out 'Ronnie Harrison'. It makes me sound like a gay porn star. The other week there was a gorgeous Burmese babe there called 'Skye'. I think I was well in with a chance there until she heard my name and then she just laughed.
...and that's another issue I would like to raise. Even if I had got lucky with Skye it would have been a pretty disappointing outcome as I DON'T APPEAR TO HAVE ANY TESTICLES. What was that all about? One day I'm wondering around, strutting my stuff and feeling 100% male (despite my stupid name) and the next I wake up and there is definitely something missing. Rastus next door has still got his because I checked. How do you think I got those awful cat bites the other week? He was not impressed and called me a weirdo. Said if I touched him again then I'd really know about it.

Oh, and one last thing, can you get me some decent food? I know you try your best with that really expensive posh stuff you give me plus the occasional bit of liver or tin of sardines, but what I'd really like are some dead flies and birds innards mixed with grass and maybe a bit of my own poo? Thanks."