My blog is 4 weeks old today! So, to celebrate I am re-publishing my favourite post so far.
Many people do actually come to Norfolk on purpose, to live or for a holiday, but there are special training courses to go on before you take this step. However, there are stories of folk ending up here by accident, without following any previous acclimatisation programme or learning the language. All it takes is one wrong turn on the M11... (M - that's a motorway for any real Norfolk readers).
Here are a few ways for the un-trained to tell if they have ended up in Norfolk.
1. The surrounding terrain will become flatter than a Latvian gymnast's chest. (sorry Svetlana)
2. You will be able to see nothing but rows of cabbages or possibly sugar-beet for miles. We like growing things round here. It's what we do best. In fact, it's the only thing we do.
3. The people around you will begin to look a bit strange. Don't worry. This is not you starting to lose your mind and hallucinate (yet), this is due to centuries of in-breeding. Our 'Family Trees' don't fork much here. 'Family Trunks' would be more accurate.
4. You may witness some odd behaviour too. Again, this is due to in-breeding and is a well documented affliction known by the acronym NFN - Normal for Norfolk.
5. People will stare at you and point, especially if you are in a motorised vehicle which has not been designed for farming purposes. We are not really used to foreigners round these parts.
6. You will hear what sounds like a foreign language being spoken. This might be 'Naarfak' but it could equally be Polish.
7. You will drive through lots of towns with 'markets', especially if it is a Thursday (or thuuursdee). They are not worth getting out of the car for selling only cheap clothing, pet supplies and flimsy wrapping paper.
8. People will be dressed predominantly in green and yellow. Do not be alarmed. These are simple, harmless individuals known as 'Norwich City Supporters'. They should be treated with kindness.
N.B. If people are wearing blue and white then you are probably still in Suffolk. It is safe to leave your vehicle and seek help.
Above all, if you think you may have strayed into Norfolk DO NOT PANIC. A good rule of thumb is not to follow signs to places you can't pronounce like Guist, Happisburgh or Costessey. Do not be fooled if you see directions to 'Little London'. It has three houses and a post box. If you are in the north of the county you could see signs for 'New York' and 'Boston'. Turn your car around. You are in danger of going into Lincolnshire and may never be heard of again.
As a Teacher of Modern Languages, mistakes made using the humble dictionary (yes I am quite old) and later the online translator have caused me much amusement. I wish I had written more of them down over the years as I find now that my 40 something mind is not what it used to be. A dictionary or translator is a tool and therefore there is a direct link between how effective it is and the intelligence of the person using it.
One that does stick in my mind from my very first year teaching, when my French was still good enough to teach 'A' level, was an answer from a reading comprehension. The text was about holiday destinations and talked about the fact that travellers were wanting to visit less 'touristy' places. It talked about 'Tierres Vierges' (sorry to all francophiles out there but I don't appear to be able to get a grave accent on this blog) and the question asked why such places were popular with some tourists. One girl answered 'Because there are lots of virgins there'. Quite possibly a more honest answer but unfortunately not what the exam board was looking for.
One very popular translation howler doing the rounds at present on facebook is from a Spanish menu. The item is 'Vino en botella' which should translate as 'Wine by the bottle'. However 'vino' is also the past tense of the verb 'venir' - to come, so some bright spark has translated it as 'He/she came in a bottle'. I'll just have a glass of water, thanks.
Quite a few people have asked why I don't do my blog in French and Spanish as well. The answer is that whilst I could probably have a shot at a literal translation, there is no way I would be good enough to convey the humour in anything but my own language. However, the other day I did decide to try out the 'translation' button which you can add to your blog. I used it into French on the 'Stamp Competition' post and had a look at the results. I am very glad I checked as the results were atrocious. One English phrase 'Mummy and Daddy have a row' was rendered as 'Maman et Papa ont un rang'. 'Un rang' is not 'a row' as in 'an argument', but rather 'a row' as in 'a row of cabbages'.
However, my absolute favourite comes courtesy of a Polish friend who heard this anecdote about a fellow Pole who had moved to Britain and had not yet mastered the language. He wanted to buy some meat, so checked on google translate for what he needed. Feeling reasonably confident he went into his local Butcher's shop and asked for 'half a kilo of chicken tits'. To było upokarzające
