Many people do actually come to Norfolk on purpose, to live or for a holiday, but there are special training courses to go on before you take this step. However, there are stories of folk ending up here by accident, without following any previous acclimatisation programme or learning the language. All it takes is one wrong turn on the M11... (M - that's a motorway for any real Norfolk readers).
Here are a few ways for the un-trained to tell if they have ended up in Norfolk.
1. The surrounding terrain will become flatter than a Latvian gymnast's chest. (sorry Svetlana)
2. You will be able to see nothing but rows of cabbages or possibly sugar-beet for miles. We like growing things round here. It's what we do best. In fact, it's the only thing we do.
3. The people around you will begin to look a bit strange. Don't worry. This is not you starting to lose your mind and hallucinate (yet), this is due to centuries of in-breeding. Our 'Family Trees' don't fork much here. 'Family Trunks' would be more accurate.
4. You may witness some odd behaviour too. Again, this is due to in-breeding and is a well documented affliction known by the acronym NFN - Normal for Norfolk.
5. People will stare at you and point, especially if you are in a motorised vehicle which has not been designed for farming purposes. We are not really used to foreigners round these parts.
6. You will hear what sounds like a foreign language being spoken. This might be 'Naarfak' but it could equally be Polish.
7. You will drive through lots of towns with 'markets', especially if it is a Thursday (or thuuursdee). They are not worth getting out of the car for selling only cheap clothing, pet supplies and flimsy wrapping paper.
8. People will be dressed predominantly in green and yellow. Do not be alarmed. These are simple, harmless individuals known as 'Norwich City Supporters'. They should be treated with kindness.
N.B. If people are wearing blue and white then you are probably still in Suffolk. It is safe to leave your vehicle and seek help.
Above all, if you think you may have strayed into Norfolk DO NOT PANIC. A good rule of thumb is not to follow signs to places you can't pronounce like Guist, Happisburgh or Costessey. Do not be fooled if you see directions to 'Little London'. It has three houses and a post box. If you are in the north of the county you could see signs for 'New York' and 'Boston'. Turn your car around. You are in danger of going into Lincolnshire and may never be heard of again.
I have been known to comment that the only thing even remotely 'Fifty Shades of Grey' in my life is my 15 year old M&S underwear. You know the sort I mean. The knickers which have been up the hoover a few times and the bras which have been washed to within an inch of their cotton-polyester lives.
I have never read so much as a word of the 'Fifty Shades' series and have no wish to. However, I have seen enough spoofs and heard enough snippets from friends to have a reasonable grasp of the content of the books. So, I thought I'd have a shot at my very own, much tamed down North Norfolk version.
Tina could hardly contain her excitement. Later she was going out on her first date with Dean. They had gone to school together back in the 80s when Dean cut quite a dashing figure at the end-of-term disco in his flecked trousers, slip on shoes and piano keyboard tie. They met again years later at the supermarket in North Walsham where they both worked. Dean was on the hot food counter and Tina worked at the kiosk selling cigarettes and scratch cards.
Dean wasn't like the other men she had known. He had a bit of class about him, like the fact that he bought his track-suits from Roys rather than QD. That's what had first attracted her to him. He was a bit different. One day she had overheard him chatting during a fag break and had been impressed when he said he'd once been to London. Tina had never really been out of Norfolk. She didn't see the point when she had everything she needed on the doorstep. Fields, tractors, farm animals, Christopher's Bakery. She later found out that he'd actually said he'd once been to *'Loddon', but by then it didn't matter. She was already head over heels.
Tina put down her copy of 'Take a Break'. Dean was coming to pick her up in a few minutes. When they'd arranged the date he'd said he wanted to take her up Cromer Pier (or Crooma Pair as it's pronounced round these parts) and she had giggled, thinking that this was a euphemism for something altogether less innocent, but he had remained serious and she realised that what he had meant was that he wanted to take her up Cromer Pier...to do a spot of crabbing, he said.
She heard the sound of a car pulling up outside and drew back the net curtains to take a look. He was on time; that was a good sign. She slipped the key into the lock and opened the door....
*Loddon is a small town in S. Norfolk
