Prince George of Cambridge

Yesterday while I was blogging about Alan Partridge, it was announced that the new Royal Baby was to be called George Alexander Louis. They are all lovely names but I have to say that I shall always associate the name George with the rather dopey hippo from the children's series 'Rainbow'. The programme had as its main characters three strange puppets, 'George, Zippy and Bungle'. George was the most likeable of the three; as I recall a pale pink, mild mannered hippo. I have no idea what creature Zippy was meant to be, but he was loud mouthed and opinionated, and Bungle, a huge bear would definitely have had his name on some teddy blacklist believe me.
So, what other famous Georges does the new little prince share his name with? Well, there is George Osborne the chancellor, an arrogant, privileged man who has zero idea how much misery he is inflicting on most of the country; or if he does realise, he doesn't care. The only time he has shown any emotion was when he shed a tear at Thatcher's funeral, but that was probably only because he was thinking about the astronomical bill.
Then there is George Michael who can sing quite nicely but can't drive in a straight line and has a penchant for hanging around outside men's toilets.
Next we have George Best who was pretty good at football but unfortunately also rather good at drinking.
Finally, how proud would you be to share your name with that greatest of all men George W Bush? Not very? No, thought not. With parents so unimaginative that they gave you the same name as your father it's not a good start in life is it? Apparently George W doesn't drink but that hasn't stopped him saying and doing stupid things on a monumental, world-wide scale.
So, if you were the young prince looking for a role model which one would you go for? My money's on the hippo.

I Believe: Mel Smith

Following the announcement today of the untimely death of Mel Smith here is my own little tribute based on one of my favourite songs from 'Not the Nine O' Clock News'.


I believe that Michael Gove's good at his job
I believe that poor George Osborne's not a knob
I believe that Brian Sewell is not a snob
I believe, yes, I believe.

I believe that our economy's on the mend
I believe that Jordan's boobs are not pretend
I believe that the NHS is in safe hands
And that 1D are the very best of bands

Yes, I believe that ugly's pretty
That the welfare cuts aren't shitty
Richard Hammond is so witty
And I'll make millions from this ditty

I believe that the moon is made of cheese
And that the Tory Party's free of sleaze
I believe in a land of milk and honey
And that my broadband fees are worth the money

I believe that old George Michael's a good driver
And that Kate's wedding dress cost a fiver
I believe that I am going to live for ever
I believe that Peter André's really clever
And I believe that Amanda Knox is innocent
But I can't believe Ronald Reagan is president

Rocket the Hedgehog

I have just been cleaning out and feeding our rescue hedgehog Rocket, who lives in a big cage in the hall. This is a horrible job as he makes the most awful mess and I find myself scooping up a heady combination of food, water, poo and soggy newspaper. Rocket is definitely a teenage boy. He eats masses, grunts in reply to any attempt at conversation or physical contact and spends many hours in his bedroom making dubious noises and an unspeakable mess. A good friend recently commented that this was all good training for when Bryn reaches adolescence. I pointed out that I very much hoped that Bryn, at least, would not crap on his bedroom floor. Who knows?!
Rocket is a fairly intelligent little man, and I am currently teaching him to do his business either on George Osborne or Michael Gove. All copies of The Telegraph gratefully received; these may be used for training purposes.