How to tell if you are in Norfolk

Many people do actually come to Norfolk on purpose, to live or for a holiday, but there are special training courses to go on before you take this step. However, there are stories of folk ending up here by accident, without following any previous acclimatisation programme or learning the language. All it takes is one wrong turn on the M11... (M - that's a motorway for any real Norfolk readers).
Here are a few ways for the un-trained to tell if they have ended up in Norfolk.

1. The surrounding terrain will become flatter than a Latvian gymnast's chest. (sorry Svetlana)

2. You will be able to see nothing but rows of cabbages or possibly sugar-beet for miles. We like growing things round here. It's what we do best. In fact, it's the only thing we do.

3. The people around you will begin to look a bit strange. Don't worry. This is not you starting to lose your mind and hallucinate (yet), this is due to centuries of in-breeding. Our 'Family Trees' don't fork much here. 'Family Trunks' would be more accurate.

4. You may witness some odd behaviour too. Again, this is due to in-breeding and is a well documented affliction known by the acronym NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

5. People will stare at you and point, especially if you are in a motorised vehicle which has not been designed for farming purposes. We are not really used to foreigners round these parts.

6. You will hear what sounds like a foreign language being spoken. This might be 'Naarfak' but it could equally be Polish.

7. You will drive through lots of towns with 'markets', especially if it is a Thursday (or thuuursdee). They are not worth getting out of the car for selling only cheap clothing, pet supplies and flimsy wrapping paper.

8. People will be dressed predominantly in green and yellow. Do not be alarmed. These are simple, harmless individuals known as 'Norwich City Supporters'. They should be treated with kindness.
N.B. If people are wearing blue and white then you are probably still in Suffolk. It is safe to leave your vehicle and seek help.

Above all, if you think you may have strayed into Norfolk DO NOT PANIC. A good rule of thumb is not to follow signs to places you can't pronounce like Guist, Happisburgh or Costessey. Do not be fooled if you see directions to 'Little London'. It has three houses and a post box. If you are in the north of the county you could see signs for 'New York' and 'Boston'. Turn your car around. You are in danger of going into Lincolnshire and may never be heard of again.

Room 101: My top 5

Being a bit of an opinionated old cow, you can imagine that there are many things which I would gladly put in room 101. Here are my current top 5. I'm sure once I get going on my whinge fest I shall find it hard to stop so 5 is my self-imposed cut off point...for now.

At number 5 we have Bad Drivers. You have already heard my rant about slow drivers but they are not my only target. I am equally infuriated by the boom-boom boys who speed up our road in a narrow, residential area with lots of parked cars. Incidentally your music is crap and if I wanted to make my ears bleed I am sure I could find a more enjoyable way of doing so. Also in the bad drivers category are those who have yet to locate the switch for their lights and indicators. There are a surprisingly high number of these in Norfolk.

Number 4 sees a new entry with 'poor broadband provision'. Perhaps I am being just a touch over demanding here but if I pay for a service, I generally expect to receive it. Clearly most broadband providers are not burdened by such ethical niceties.

A non-mover at number 3. Poor grammar, especially apostrophes (or should that be apostrophe's?!)
Now, I am acutely aware that their are errors in my grammar. I get a bit confused with commas, semi-colons and colons. Fortunately my 8 year old has been giving me some lessons citing introduction of lists, linking a sub-clause to the main clause and separating items on a list. I'm getting, there; I think:

At number 2 a strange one; repeated noises. I can't stand it if an alarm or buzzer is going off for more than a few seconds. An un-answered phone can drive me to screaming point. Even some music with very repetitive lyrics can push me to the brink of insanity.

Number 1 is controversial and I know some readers will not agree with me but I loathe personalised number plates with a passion. I see no reason for them. The only purpose they can possibly serve is to say 'Look at me, I have loads of cash'. There is, however, one personalised number plate I would make an exception for and this is one which has been spotted in a nearby town and bears the letters 'NFN'. Maybe I could be persuaded to change my mind if that came up for sale ...