New Year's Resolutions

Many of you will already know or will have worked out that I am a teacher and I so I have always treated September as my New Year rather than the traditional January 1st. As the new term begins I thought I would share a few of my resolutions with you.

1. I will not get wound up by slow drivers on the way into work. 42 miles per hour is a perfectly reasonable speed on a straight open road in perfect weather conditions. Tractors have every right to be on the road during the morning rush hour without pulling over to let people pass and the mobile speed camera van going at 15 miles an hour below the speed limit ALL the way from North Walsham to Norwich is absolutely fine by me.

2. I am not going to swear, at least not much, unless it really is necessary. I think I'll have a 'swear box' and put a pound into my Sancerre fund every time I use a profanity.

3. I am going to keep my Mark Book beautiful. This has been one of my resolutions for the last 17 years and I still haven't achieved it. There will be no crossings out, no gaps, no use of multi-coloured pens. If a new pupil joins my class late in the term they will have to change their surname to something beginning with 'Y' or 'Z' so I can put them on the end without ruining the alphabetical list. For example 'Jack Cooke' would be offered the choice of 'Jack Yooke' or 'Jack Zooke'.

4. I will not get half way through September and start feeding my family ready meals, pizza or Weetabix for tea.

5. I will not even once threaten to resign and go and work in Tesco. However, Waitrose might be a different matter altogether.

6. I will not get depressed about the fact that I probably have another 24 years teaching ahead of me and that my pension is currently something like £26.78 lump sum and £1.54 a month.

7. I won't hit November and start going to bed at 8.30 just so I can survive the next day. Sad lamp and vitamin D instead.

To see how I am getting on visit http://normalfornnorfolk.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/new-years-resolutions-24-hours-in.html

Go Go Gorilla.

Today we went into Norwich to look at the Gorillas. It was fun but very warm and tiring and at present I am struggling to glean anything even remotely hilarious from the experience to write about, the heat having drained every last vestige of wit from me. Bryn was most amused that one of the exhibits was called Geoffrey (his dad's name) and I was disappointed that Prince of Wales Road (the rough area with lots of night clubs) didn't have a drunk gorilla being bundled into a police van, or one in stilettos slurring 'I love you, you're my best friend'.



Geoffrey the Gorilla

 

On the way home the 'Norfolk Driving Experience' (Now there's an idea for one of those gift experiences you can buy your loved ones. Balloon ride? Swim with dolphins? No. Sit behind a combine for 3 hours) was taken to new highs (lows?) as the traffic on a major road came to a standstill behind a lady on a mobility scooter. Someone please tell me that isn't legal.

Room 101: My top 5

Being a bit of an opinionated old cow, you can imagine that there are many things which I would gladly put in room 101. Here are my current top 5. I'm sure once I get going on my whinge fest I shall find it hard to stop so 5 is my self-imposed cut off point...for now.

At number 5 we have Bad Drivers. You have already heard my rant about slow drivers but they are not my only target. I am equally infuriated by the boom-boom boys who speed up our road in a narrow, residential area with lots of parked cars. Incidentally your music is crap and if I wanted to make my ears bleed I am sure I could find a more enjoyable way of doing so. Also in the bad drivers category are those who have yet to locate the switch for their lights and indicators. There are a surprisingly high number of these in Norfolk.

Number 4 sees a new entry with 'poor broadband provision'. Perhaps I am being just a touch over demanding here but if I pay for a service, I generally expect to receive it. Clearly most broadband providers are not burdened by such ethical niceties.

A non-mover at number 3. Poor grammar, especially apostrophes (or should that be apostrophe's?!)
Now, I am acutely aware that their are errors in my grammar. I get a bit confused with commas, semi-colons and colons. Fortunately my 8 year old has been giving me some lessons citing introduction of lists, linking a sub-clause to the main clause and separating items on a list. I'm getting, there; I think:

At number 2 a strange one; repeated noises. I can't stand it if an alarm or buzzer is going off for more than a few seconds. An un-answered phone can drive me to screaming point. Even some music with very repetitive lyrics can push me to the brink of insanity.

Number 1 is controversial and I know some readers will not agree with me but I loathe personalised number plates with a passion. I see no reason for them. The only purpose they can possibly serve is to say 'Look at me, I have loads of cash'. There is, however, one personalised number plate I would make an exception for and this is one which has been spotted in a nearby town and bears the letters 'NFN'. Maybe I could be persuaded to change my mind if that came up for sale ...

Sunday Drivers...

... or as we like to refer to them here in Norfolk, 'Drivers'. Yes, why confine such a splendid pastime to just one day when you can easily annoy the hell out of everyone on the roads seven days a week? Coming back from the pensioner mecca of Sheringham today I was faced with a whole bunch of such drivers. A bunch? I'm sure someone can come up with a more apt collective noun than that. A dirge? An annoyance? A werthers?
Anyway, you can easily spot these offenders, sometimes from quite a distance. The first heart sink you get is when you spot the tow-bar. This normally indicates heavy caravan usage - not good. Then comes the parcel shelf. If it is liberally furnished with a tartan rug, tissues, cushions or straw boaters then you are in for a slow ride home. I'd say a good 3 miles an hour below the speed limit for each offending article.
The final nail in the coffin comes in the form of car stickers. Again, a mile or two slower for each of the following;  Christian fish sticker, National Trust, Lifeboats, anything to do with animals.
The ironic thing in all this is that the very cars being driven at 33 mph along a major road often sport jaunty and frankly misleading names such as 'colt', 'jazz' or 'sprint'. I would like to start a campaign for the car name to be more accurate. How about a 'Peugeot Pensioner' , a 'Ford You can't be too careful' or a 'Rover...', well just a Rover really.