Taking Things Literally

In my previous post 'Getting things a bit Wrong' I mentioned the story of my small son thinking that 'wax' was the plural form of 'a whack' and complaining that he had one in his ear. All I can think is that those particular orifices must have been especially dirty (there were worse ones as I recall)  as this next tale involves the same part of his anatomy. When he was about 2 he was in the bath (I think the whole caravan/shower trauma must have had a profound effect on my psyche as all these anecdotes seem to involve cleanliness) when I said "Ooh, look at those dirty ears. Are you growing potatoes in there?" The reaction was instant and loud. Hysterical screams, telling me to get the potatoes out. Poor little boy. I explained that I was joking and that he did not, in fact, have root vegetables sprouting in his ears and he calmed down.
A more recent case of 'taking things literally' happened a couple of years ago and involved a situation at my son's school. The Head Teacher had left very quickly and unexpectedly and with no explanation, at least not to anyone who mattered like the parents. As you can imagine there was much whispering, gossip and speculation. We don't have much else to do in Norfolk. Eventually one little boy went home and said to his mum, "Hey, I've found out what happened to Mrs Roberts. Apparently she shot herself in the foot!"

School Reports:The Revenge

So, having spent the last few weeks dishing out the reports I am now on the receiving end, and took possession of our son's yesterday. Now, I know what you're thinking. He's in year 3. Surely his report will just say 'Bryn is eight years old and therefore knows everything. There is nothing more I can teach him'. You may laugh, but to listen to him sometimes you would think this was the case. I have spent most of my life labouring under the misapprehension that I was of at least average intelligence and am so grateful to my son for showing me how wrong I was.
Anyway, back to the report. I quickly skim read to see if I could find any obvious 'teacher code' alerting me to the fact that my son was doing poorly at school and was therefore destined to become a drug addict/petty criminal/estate agent but could see no such comments. Parts of it were quite difficult to understand and I had to ask Bryn what some sentences meant.
'He needs to use inverse relationships to verify the accuracy of an answer'
'He needs to independently use appropriate ways of presenting data ...using appropriate scales for each axis'. Whatever happened to 'Could do better'?
There were a couple of other phrases which caught my eye. In the R.E. comment it said 'This year he has learnt about submission in Islam'. Submission in Islam? How about teaching him about submission at home?! Perhaps we should convert. The other one said 'He is able to mix paint economically'. Well, that's good to know. If the whole Brain Surgeon thing doesn't work out then at least there'll be a job for him at Home Base.
Finally I had a last look through to make sure I hadn't missed anything vital. Nowhere could I see the phrase 'Bryn is a pleasure to teach'. Phew, what a relief. He is not the Head Teacher's son.

School Reports

It's that time of the year where most parents will be getting their little darlings' end-of-year reports, and where most teachers will be reaching for the gin as they write their 104th comment about how well/badly little Johnny is doing.
As a teacher with nearly 20 years experience of report writing I thought I would de-code some teacher short-hand for you.

• Tom always works with enthusiasm. = Tom cannot sit still and keeps shouting out.
• Annie has an enquiring mind. = Annie never stops asking pointless questions.
• Jessica is quiet and conscientious. = Jessica is a teacher's pet.
• Hugo is a pleasure to teach. = Hugo is the Head Teacher's son.
• Sam is confident and not afraid to express his opinions = Sam is annoying and full of himself.
• I have seen a real improvement in Kyle's attitude = Kyle hasn't hit anyone this week.
• Emma has worked steadily this year and has made reasonable progress. = Emma has done sod all.
• George needs to make more effort in order to make the progress he is capable of = No chance.